Dear Mom,

Do you know how awesome you are? Because honestly, you’re really awesome. I think that you are the one that got me into drawing, pages and pages of Sylvester the cat at Grandmas, and from that grew a ravenous desire to create at all times. Thank you for this, and thank you for being wonderful.

Love your son,
Zach

I’ve been so close to you for so long, why…tell me why in my time of need would you refuse to work? We’ve been through so much together, like the time you were viciously, yet unintentionally, thrown to the floor by someone who has trouble seeing cords. I went on the mac forums and talked to a doctor who suggested I use a bone shaper to remove your unsightly dent. Since I had no bone sculptor, your dent grew on me over time to be a charming reminder to be careful where I plug. Or the time when that guy from Washington poked your screen so hard it gave you a dead pixel. I would have given him a dead pixel if you hadn’t restrained me. Even when we were traveling Wales and you got heatstroke, I replaced your hard drive, with more space. Lastly, since you have been so reliable but have been showing your age I decided to upgrade your memory, it was like you were fresh out of the box, and now…now this happens. I don’t know what to believe anymore…

Hopefully you will be back in my arms, someday…but when the technician takes a look at you and proclaims “wow, what’s wrong with this” then I can only imagine the worst…

Alas.
With love,
Zach

p.s. I’m limited to computer use during the 9-5 so call/text me to get a hold of me right away. Cheers!

My name is Zach Bulick and you have been plaguing my sinuses for several days. I know I haven’t been the most accommodating host, but I thought you would get the point by now. I don’t want you in my body. It’s not my fault you’ve already unpacked and have your stuff lying everywhere, you are an uninvited guest, similar to a raccoon infestation in ones attic.

For several days I have been taking Benylin and Robitussin, these have sped your departure but unfortunately you aren’t completely gone. It is true that as I have taken these extra strength decongestants that I have felt better over time, what is also true is that over time those decongestants do not start tasting any better. They will never taste like cherries.

I won’t wait for your friend to come with his pick-up truck, and I won’t wait for your change of address to come through at the post office, please consider this your final eviction notice.

Sincerely,

Zach Bulick

post script: before you depart please remember to turn off all lights, unplug the refrigerator,  and return my sense of smell, thank you.